Life Without A Smart Phone

My smartphone gave up on me. It needs to be fixed. I held on to it for the longest possible time, unwilling (read: unable) to let go. I couldn't imagine even a minute without it-let alone several days.

But I couldn't keep on hanging to a hone that didn't work- what good was it? It took me three days (No exaggeration) to let it go.

It has been 4 days with at least 3 more to go.

I felt lost- with nothing to do with my free time. What to do while traveling to and from work? Hell, what to do in the loo? How many times did I reach out for it and didn't find it there? No contact with my Whatsapp groups, no work emails unless I logged on to my laptop- which is too much of an effort unless there is a dire need.  No bings, trings and buzzes...

How many times did I reach out to look for the meaning of a word, locate my next destination, see which movie tickets were available... and found my self lost?

Uncountable.

That is the first three days...

Something scary is happening today- Day 04...

Much, much scarier than being without my phone: I DON"T MIND BEING WITHOUT MY SMARTPHONE! 

Oh hell!

I'm getting used  to this Nokia-something-or-the-other with no touch screen and no internet!

I'm OK with not being online- getting used to it. The urge to reach out for my smartphone just struck once today... ONCE! And not finding it there, I didn't die a thousand little deaths!

I wish, I pray, I hope I get my phone back soon. Before it's too late.

There is harsh reality staring squarely at me- a reality I do not want to face: I can live without my smartphone- In fact I just might like living without my smartphone way more than I care to imagine!

These are the women I know:

Rubab: She had been living with her psychologically un fit husband for the last 15 years. She worked while he stayed at home, as he was unable to work. She used all their savings and got loans to build a house, rent two portions of it and lived i one. She got a job. When her children were younger and at home, she lived in fear that he would one day act upon his threats and kill the children. She spent a good part of her salary for his medicines and paying off her debts. She let go of her self and over the years, and a beautiful and smart woman turned in to an over weight, unkempt woman who couldn't be bothered about her looks, worked like a horse, fended of unwanted advances, dealt with relatives, ignored her natural urges, suppressed her feelings, ignored her wishes, took about half a dozen sleeping pills daily and spent her life in a daze.

A few months ago she lost her job because she looked like a hazard on the move and couldn't concentrate on anything because of her muddled head. She was lucky enough to get another job. A few days later, her husband committed suicide. She was back to work a week later. She had a new job and couldn't afford to lose it.

She cries because he ruined a good part of her life and left her with more responsibilities and a stigma on top. She is glad of the money she now saves because she doesn't have to pay for his medicines and cigs. Her son will be working in a few years. She looks forward to that day. She has taught him everything about running a house, has taught her 15 year old daughter how to cook and keep the house. She wants them to be able to carry on if she dies.

Manal: Married a guy her parents chose but was not a stranger to her. Spent a tough decade or so with him. Went through his being jobless, on the rock, went from place to place, while he followed his dreams, tolerated the tough times at her in-laws, sold her jewellery so he could follow his dreams that never came true. She couldn't get pregnant and went through the hell every childless woman in our society has to go through. All we ever saw was a man struggling through life and his wife standing by his side, smiling through it all.

A few months ago she found out he has remarried over a year ago and has a family she had no knowledge of. She filed for divorce.

Kainaat: A brave, smart young woman. Who spent her life looking after other people and making sure everyone got what they wanted, everyone was as happy as possible. Got gutted in the process. Spent a few years away from her family, making a life for herself, came back expecting things to be different and duly found herself in the same situation, this time tougher than before. She had burned her boats to come back. She decided she didn't want to take shit from any one anymore. She did what she wanted, no matter what any one feels or wants. Goes out, meet men, partied. Met a guy who swept her off her feet, loved the way she was, appreciated the courage she had, the way she sang, smoked and drank. Proposed. Got accepted. Didn't want anything to do with the harlot she was. Realized just hours in to the newly accepted and approved by parents relationship that he had too much ghairat. Told her he couldn't go ahead with it because he couldn't stomach a woman like her. She broke down, begged, promised to change. He was adamant they were better off on their own. She left her friends, still haven't the guts to tell her family he refuses to marry her. Now, she only acts like a harlot with him. Goes, out, drinks, stays away nights, lies to her friends and family. He still doesn't think they should marry but he enjoys her company.

Sundus: Got a good education. Always wanted to be a good daughter to her parents. Fell in love with her best friend, a few months before he was getting married. Didn’t do anything as it would hurt two families. He professed he had always loved her but never said anything because of religious differences that the families would never reconcile over. He got married, she got a job. A few months later she married the guy her parents selected for her. He was educated, working abroad, belonged to a decent family. 6 years into the marriage, she found herself living abroad in a basement flat with two children and a husband who couldn’t keep a steady job, had no shame fighting over the children’s support money ,  and was violently aggressive when asked to change or make things better. Her in parents in law were long dead, her husband’s siblings all on their own and wanting nothing to do for their brother who couldn’t much do for himself or his wife, who didn’t come up to their expectations.  

One day he decided to send her back to her parents’ place back home, saying he needs to find a job in another city and she can come back in 6 months or so when he is settled. Simply meaning he won’t have to support her for these months. She sought help from a councilor, who promised help if and when she needed. She filled up a form, left it with the councilor, to be submitted and used in time of need, if he tried something fishy behind her back. She packed up her house, put her things in storage and moved back to her parents’ home.

She decided enough was enough but still didn’t have the guts to leave him. Useless as he was, he provided a facade of stability and respect in a society where a single woman’s existence is no easy task. Plus she didn’t want her parents to end up with additional material and emotional burdens when they were old and retired. Still, with her mind in turmoil, she used her time away from him, doing courses and gearing up for a life without him, if nothing else works.

Five months away from her husband, he still has no job, threatened not to pay the storage bill because he can’t afford it. He wanted to sell the things. She couldn’t let him do that. That stuff was her homestead she had put together piece by piece over the years and all she and her daughters had. She called the storage, stalled the storage company, rented a place for her stuff, got people she knew there to move her things. She is now sitting on her behind, wanting to quit, wondering what will happen to her children and how she will face the world and life on her own. She knows she can do it, but only because she has no choice. She is due to go back in a few weeks. Whether she’ll have the guts to go her own way or slip back into hr miserable existence only time will tell.

Women Like Me

Painting by Steve Hanks

I wish I could say, I am one of a kind 'nice' woman. I can't. I am better than a lot of women out there and though I feel like apologizing for 'my kind' again and again, I know the time is near when I will stop. And accept who I am. I am the other woman and I always will be, whether I am ruining another woman's home or not. I will always be the 'Other Woman' I am that kind. Unapologetic-ally so.

As I wrote to a dear friend of mine, ' There are women like me. What can I say? I find my self in the middle of know-it-all housewives talking about how being the 'right kind of wife' ensures your man will never wander. How if he gets what he goes out looking for, at home, he will have no need to go elsewhere. Hogwash! I try telling them it's crap they've been taught by women of another generation, women in denial, wrapped up in the bubble wrap of righteousness! They have no right deluding another generation. 

Men will always wander. It is in their nature. They cannot help it. And when it comes to the men on our side of the planet, they are also plagued with double standards. Standards that have been embedded in them by another generation of delusional women living in denial. And not to forget every man has a huge part of that woman in him. His spirit, his DNA. They would not dare marry the kind of women that they want to spend the rest of their lives with. They marry the 'right kind of woman' get bored with her, whether they realize it or not and go out looking for what their inner self has got hem really craving for. A woman they can have as an equal, some one who has a personality of her own. Some one who can challenge them. Be there for them and not just expect them to be there. 

Then there is the kind who finds a woman like that. Get attracted, win her over, but once she becomes or is about to become their better half, they piss in their pants and start changing her in to the 'acceptable kind.' The women mostly do comply. They get married and not six months go by before the gentlemen start feeling bored and missing the woman they thought they were marrying but she is the 'acceptable wife' category now. The buggers rush out looking for a woman who would match their needs, not giving a hoot and a wonker to the one sitting at home, a man-made reincarnation of her former self. 

There is a third  kind as well. They marry the brave independent woman. They do not change her. They start a life with her and can't handle the woman that she is. They panic, feel trapped, they run.

There are others who run as well. They don't all run to the challenging women, they run to the whimpering, clingy kind as well when their ego needs a massage.

WTF! Better get used to the fact that they are born to run to the other woman. Accept it soon and get over with it. When those women don't believe me and give me the 'poor her' looks, what I itch to tell them, but don't, the words that I swallow are, 'You better believe me missus, I know what I am talking about and I know what you have been taught is nothing but delusional crap! I know because when they leave your kind at home, poring over the children's homework and the next day's menu, they come to my kind!'

Lyari Operation and the Dhak-Dhak Factor!

It's been ages since the Lyari Operation in Karachi but so has it been since I wrote here. I want to still write about it because the Dhak Dhak effect still remains for me and I have been dying to share it. 

 Now, mind you, this happened over a month ago and also mind that it was carried out by our police and para military forces.  Now, para military forces and their might I have no doubt in (even though the rangers posted in Karachi seriously test my trust), but come on guys, we know our police right? 

Look at this picture and tell me if this is what you envision when you think of our police.

No it's not! THIS IS OUR POLICE: 

AND THIS IS WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE IN ACTION:

If this is our police, who are the dare devils up there? Characters from some action movie? Desperadoes taking over local police's bodies?


And imagine an area where there has been fighting going on between the bad guys and the god guys, and I'm talking machine guns, grenades and rocket launchers here. What would the local residents be going through? Imagine your selves in their position?


These kids must think there's a volley ball match going on rather than  a volley of fire and death. Itmenan check karain... 

And this guy is apparently thinking...Let them play their boy games, I better secure my bike. It is more in danger of getting stolen than I in danger of becoming a target of a stray bullet: 

I mean what is going on here?

Hell, who cares what is going on here. Aren't you wondering why I have been following this operation so seriously and diligently?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IljBvlxVe0&sns=em

Watch this video and the guy at 0:11 onwards. No need to see the entire video and plz ignore the stupid ass reporter. He is obnoxious! Anyway, the gentleman in action (the real one, not the nit wit reporter-but I do hope he is no gentleman, if you know what I mean!) got my attention and grabbed my fancy (Oh yes he did. Don't ask why! He just did and sent my hormones all over the place). Ah well, back to the point, I spent a night on the proverbial thorns and woke up combing through the entire situation with a lust laden curiosity and ended up more baffled than before!

Have I lost you guys or are you still with me? Who are these people? Are they some brave macho men that we keep hidden till needed like in some spy movie? Or these buggers knew there was no real danger and played hero for the press? And of course the press being the goofball it is, snatching up the bait hook, line and sinker?

Having said that, do see some more action shots of my hero! Ah...

Oh God... he is so powerful...gasp! gasp! The only thing stopping me from calling a man-hunt for him is the suspicion that he has a posse of kids and their mother stashed some where! Ah well, such is fate!

Phew, getting back to the point...Any observations? insights? ideas? I mean, not about my hormone inducing hunk of a gorilla of a husky chunk of a.... oh God.. u get the drift right? Not him but the situation. He is here only so you know what got me so embroiled and engrossed r whatever in this situation!

Adios! Waiting to hear from you guys!

What is it that we do wrong?

I have been wondering. What do we wrong? Why is there so much dissatisfaction? Why is every one of us, depressed and unhappy with our lives? We keep thinking, if only this or that is sorted all will go well. It doesn't. Somehow, this or that has a way of not getting sorted, and even if it does, it's never enough. We set goals. There are numerous difficulties in attaining them and hence the disappointment and depression. However, the few goals that we do manage to attain, very strangely lose their charm and the satisfaction of attaining them is just not there. I wonder often why is that?

It's just not me. No one is happy. At least, no one I know. Single, married, young, old, rich, poor, educated, uneducated, working women, house wives, working men, and jobless. U name them and you find them unhappy, if not exactly unhappy, then at least not satisfied with what they have. Finding something lacking. Something that keeps them from being truly happy and feeling truly satisfied even in their times of achievements and happiness.

I wonder, if it is our own expectations that let us down, not the circumstances. May be we want too much of life. Nothing is enough. Our ambitions are so great that we compromise everything on our way to achieving them. May be we forget that life and happiness in life consist of many small things put together with great big ones. May be by concentrating on just the big ones we leave out the smaller, yet in no way lesser things and there are always empty spaces in us that we are always un able to fill.

So, should we accept fate and not strive for what we really want? How do we know something we want is in our fate or not? We cannot look in to the future. What if we try too hard for something that we are destined to get regardless? What if, depending on fate we do not strive for something we want and find out too late it would have been there for us if only we had tried?

So, what is true? What is right?

Fate is for those too weak to determine their own destiny? OR
Things without remedy should be without regard, what is done is done?

Control your fate or somebody else will? OR
Adapt yourself to the life you have been given, and truly love the people with whom destiny has surrounded you?

I am searching for an answer, yet at the same time wondering if there really is any?

Unicorns Aren't Mythical ... Virgins Are-If You Say So Sir!

It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge.
Voltaire

A little while back my friend and I went out with a couple of guys. It wasn’t supposed to be a date. Well yeah, I know you must be thinking a girl and a guy out and no date? Well, it can happen, can’t it? Apparently not! What I was looking for was some time out, away from the grind and some enlightened company. I got all of that. No doubt the company was great. No regrets there. I really found the men very charming and they played the perfect hosts even though they weren’t supposed to. Honestly speaking, in this day and age any guy being nice and courteous is a blessing as well as a rarity!

Any way, we went out, it was a great night, greater company BUT… yes there was a BUT. Towards the end of the night, there were expectations from us. Since neither my friend, nor I had any such thing on mind, we refused.   The guys were extremely nice. Let me tell you, the majority of the guys we come across, would not have taken the hint and would have tried to impose themselves and thought that we were pretending to be “nice girls”. Keeping in mind the fuss there is about virginity in our society, they would not be too far off the mark.

Even though, we totally agree with Voltaire above, and tend to be something close to pariahs when it comes to most of the so called customs and beliefs and would probably some day part with our most sacred commodity in the most locally unconventional way, we still do not take it to the level of casualness of doing away with it just for the heck of it. It has to be with someone we really are committed to and he has to be on the same level of commitment as us.

Anyway, no complaints from the guys, they were absolute marvels, but it was neither the first nor the last time something like this has happened. It was similarly not the first nor the last time we were questioned in quite a baffled manner about it.

What intrigues men of a modern sort these days, is that a single woman, over thirty, would think twice about indulging in casual sex. Ah, why not? May be it is becoming very common these days but isn’t it still a matter of choice?

Anyway, having been face to face with the non-comprehending  you-gotta-be-kidding-me cum the-bitch-is-playing-the-virgin-game looks several times, I do not take offence any longer.

Some of the questions I am regularly put to are along the lines of:

·        So, do you never feel like doing it?

·        What do you do then?  (I have been asked how I find release, what do I do when I feel the need for it?- Ah…. Hmmm, so if I don’t feel like it, am I terribly abnormal?)

·        So, are you a lesbian? (Believe me, I have been asked that several times! I mean, man, I do not want to have sex with you does not translate in to “I want to have sex with your sister!”)

·        So you are not a lesbian then? Oh, then you must indulge in a bit of same-sex fun just to beat the need? Ohkayyy sir, please, try to understand,… Ok, on second thought, I give up. Don’t. Yes, I am abnormal …not feeling the overwhelming NEED and failing to satisfy yours in the process.  Please forgive me!

You'll Still Be Mine

I gave beauty to your eyes,

Depth to your soul.

And the charm that every one adores.

That adorable twinkle in your mesmerizing eyes?

That was mine.

It was me beside you,

That made you seem so tall.

That sexy tone to your voice,

Was all it was, to my ears after all.

You have strong hands,

But was ever the grip so strong?

Your broad shoulders,

Did they always have that careless shrug?

The way my love melted in your eyes,

Your touch, your smile….

Was it always yours, or was it mine?

Today, when we have to decide,

What is yours, what is mine?

If I take away all that you have…

All that is mine......

That look, that touch, that smile…

I’ll have you my love,

You’ll still be mine.